Never send money: the scripts scammers use

Every romance scam ends the same way. The friendship, the long messages, the plans for a future together are all there to make one moment work: the moment they ask for money. If you know that moment is coming, and you've already decided your answer, the script fails.

The rule, in one sentence

Never send money, gift cards, crypto or your bank details to someone you met online and haven't met in person, for any reason.

That one rule protects you from almost every romance scam, because money is the only thing a romance scammer wants. It doesn't matter how long you've been talking, whether they have an ID-checked badge, or how real the emergency sounds. Someone who genuinely cares about you will never make you choose between your savings and their feelings.

Why the request always comes

A romance scam is a fake relationship built online to get money from you. It is run as a business, often by organized groups, and the people writing to you may be handling many conversations at once from a script.

The script has stages. First comes trust: attention, compliments, talk of fate. Then distance: they live or work far away and can never quite meet. Then the request, usually small at first. Our guide to romance scams aimed at people over 50 walks through the stages in detail. This page is about the request itself: the words they use, and what to say back.

The scripts, and what's really going on

The FTC has studied the stories people report. The most common lie it found was that a friend or relative was sick, hurt or in jail. Close behind came offers to teach you to invest, claims of being in the military far away, and needing help with an important delivery. The examples below are invented to show the tone; none is a quote from a real case.

The emergency

They say: "My daughter's been in an accident and the hospital won't treat her until I pay."

What is really going on: The emergency is invented to rush you past your doubts.

You could say: "I'm so sorry. Please call your embassy or her insurer. I don't send money to people I haven't met."

The fee

They say: "There's a customs fee on the package I sent you. Can you cover it? I'll pay you back."

What is really going on: There's no package. The fee will be followed by another fee.

You could say: "I'm not expecting anything, and I won't pay fees for something I didn't order."

The frozen account

They say: "My account's been frozen while I'm overseas. Just until Friday."

What is really going on: Real banks and employers solve this. Strangers online don't.

You could say: "Your bank or your employer will need to sort that out. I can't help with money."

The ticket

They say: "I want to come and see you, but I need help with the plane ticket."

What is really going on: The ticket is never used. There'll be a delay, then a new cost.

You could say: "I'd love to meet. When you've booked your own ticket, let's set a date."

The investment

They say: "Let me show you how I've been making money with crypto."

What is really going on: This is romance baiting: a fake investment site where your money appears to grow until you try to take it out.

You could say: "I don't take investment advice from people I meet on dating sites."

The secret

They say: "Don't tell your kids about us yet. They won't understand."

What is really going on: Secrecy keeps away the people most likely to spot the scam.

You could say: "I talk to my family about everything. That isn't going to change."

How they ask to be paid

The way someone asks for money is often the clearest sign of all. Scammers want payments that are fast, hard to trace and almost impossible to reverse. The FTC says only scammers ask you to pay with gift cards, by wire transfer or with cryptocurrency, and it has warned specifically about scammers sending people to cryptocurrency ATMs with cash.

• Gift cards: "Buy some gift cards and send me the numbers on the back." Once they have the numbers, the money is gone.
• Crypto or a crypto ATM: "Put cash into this machine and scan my code."
• Wire transfer or cash by mail or courier: often with instructions on what to tell the bank or how to hide notes in a parcel.
• Your bank details or online banking login: "So I can send you the money I owe you."
• Receiving money for them: "I'll send it to you; just forward it on." This can make you part of a crime. The FBI warns never to let anyone move money through your account.

When they coach you

If someone tells you what to say to your bank teller, or tells you to say the money is for a family member, stop there. Bank staff ask questions to protect you. Anyone who prepares you to mislead them is not on your side.

How it can sound when you say no

A genuine person will accept a no. A scammer will push, and the push usually takes one of a few shapes:

• Hurt: "I thought you loved me. I thought you trusted me."
• Urgency: "If you don't help today, it will be too late."
• Guilt: "After everything we've shared, you'd let me suffer?"
• A new story: a different, bigger emergency a day or two later.
• Threats: sometimes, when nothing else works, a threat to share your private messages or photos.

Any of these is your answer. You can stop replying without explaining. If someone threatens to share private images, don't pay; report it to the police and to the site.

A plan you can keep by the phone

Decide now, while nobody is asking. Write this down if it helps:

1. I don't send money, gift cards, crypto or bank details to anyone I haven't met in person.
2. If I'm asked, I say no once, kindly, and stop.
3. I tell someone I trust the same day.
4. If I've already paid, I call my bank straight away on the number on my card.
5. I report the profile, then report the scam.

If you've already sent money

You're not foolish, and it's not too late to act. These are organized criminals who do this full time.

1. Stop all payments, whatever they say will happen.
2. Call your bank or card company now, using the number on your card or their official website.
3. Keep everything: messages, profile screenshots, receipts and transfer details.
4. Report the profile from the profile itself, or through the members help center.
5. Report the scam. In the US, report to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov. People aged 60 and over can get free help from the National Elder Fraud Hotline on 833-372-8311, and anyone can talk it through with the AARP Fraud Watch Network Helpline on 877-908-3360. Our guide to where to report a romance scam covers the UK, Canada and Australia.
6. Ignore "recovery" offers. People who contact you promising to get your money back for a fee are very often the same scammers, or new ones.

Keeping money and romance apart, even when it's real

None of this means a real relationship can never involve money. It means money waits until you've met, more than once, and know each other's lives. Our guide to money, homes and a new partner after 50 covers how couples handle it when things get serious, and the ID check, explained shows what the badge can and can't tell you about who's on the other end.