Dating etiquette after 50: who pays, who calls

If you last dated when the man always paid and phoned on Thursday to arrange Saturday, the present can feel like a country without a map. In fact the rules are simpler than they were. Most come down to two things: be clear, and be kind.

Quick answers to the common questions

Who pays?

There's no single rule now. The most common habit is that whoever suggested the date offers to pay, and the other person offers to split.

• Whoever suggested the date often offers to pay. That's a nice gesture, not an obligation.
• Splitting the bill is normal, and many people, especially women who've managed their own finances for years, prefer it.
• Taking turns works well once you're seeing each other: you get lunch, they get the movie.

The polite thing is to offer once and then go with what the other person prefers. Arguing over the check is more awkward than either answer. If money is tight, suggest something that costs little: a walk, a picnic, a free concert in the park.

Who gets in touch after a date?

Either of you. The old idea that a man should call and a woman should wait has largely gone. If you enjoyed yourself, send a short message within a day or two saying so. If you'd like to meet again, suggest something specific.

Example: "Thank you for this afternoon. I enjoyed hearing about your trip to Maine. Would you like to try that bakery on Saturday morning?"

That's an illustration; put it in your own words.

Calls, texts and messages

People have different habits. Some love texting; some would rather pick up the phone. It's fine to say which you prefer.

• Reply within a day or so. No need to wait to seem casual; that's a game for younger people.
• If you're busy or away, say so. "Visiting my sister this week, I'll write properly on Sunday" saves the other person wondering.
• Don't message late at night until you know the other person doesn't mind.
• Keep it on the dating site at first. Move to a phone number when you feel comfortable, not because someone pushes.
• Suggest a call before a first meeting. A short phone or video call is now an ordinary step, and a polite way to check you'll get on.

How to say "no, thank you"

The kind way to turn someone down is a short, warm message. Disappearing without a word, sometimes called ghosting, is common and unkind. At our age, most people would rather know.

Example (before meeting): "Thank you for your message. I don't think we're quite the right match, but I wish you luck."

Example (after a date): "I enjoyed meeting you, but I didn't feel the spark I'm hoping for. Thank you for a lovely afternoon, and all the best."

You don't need to give a reason, and you don't need to apologize at length. If someone argues or keeps writing after a clear no, stop replying. You can report anyone who becomes rude or won't take no for an answer through the members help center.

Talking about an ex or a late spouse

A sentence or two about a past marriage is fine on a first date; the long story can wait. It's natural to mention a husband or wife you were with for decades. Tears, detailed comparisons or a list of grievances are better saved for when you know each other better. And if your date talks about their late spouse, listen kindly; it's part of who they are.

Seeing more than one person

In the early stages, it's common to chat to and meet more than one person. Once you've been on a few dates with someone and you'd like to see only them, say so.

Example: "I'm enjoying this, and I'm not seeing anyone else. How do you feel?"

That's clear and gentle. Don't assume; ask. And if someone asks you, answer honestly.

Table manners for the modern date

• Phones away. If you're waiting for a call from a family member, mention it at the start so the other person isn't offended if you check.
• Be on time, and send a message if you're running late.
• Be kind to the server. People notice.
• Share the conversation. Ask questions, and listen to the answers.
• Leave health, money and exes for later dates.

Meeting friends and family

There's no set timetable. Many people wait until they feel sure the relationship has a future before introducing grown children or grandchildren. Meeting a friend or two over a casual lunch is a gentler first step. Our guide to telling your adult children you're dating has more on that.

Physical affection

A handshake, a hug or a kiss on the cheek at the end of a first date are all normal. Read the other person, and if you're not sure, ask. "May I give you a hug?" is never wrong. Our guide to intimacy after 50 talks about the bigger questions frankly.

Holidays, birthdays and gifts

Small, thoughtful gifts are lovely: a book they mentioned, flowers, a jar of your homemade jam. Large gifts early on can feel like pressure. Holidays can be tricky in a new relationship, because both of you may have long-standing family traditions; talk about plans early rather than assuming you'll spend them together.

Money between you

Never lend or give money to someone you've just met, or ask them for any. A request for money from someone you haven't met in person is the clearest sign of a romance scam; the FTC's advice is that it's a scam whatever the story. Our guide to money and a new partner after 50 covers the bigger conversations as things get serious.

For the whole first-date picture, read your first date after 50, and if you're just starting out, dating after 50 when you haven't dated in years.