Long-distance relationships after 50

Later in life, a relationship across a few hundred miles can work better than you might expect. Many people over 50 have homes, friends, grandchildren and routines they love and don't want to give up. Seeing someone every few weeks, with plenty of calls in between, can be the best of both worlds.

Is long-distance dating a good idea after 50?

It can be. A long-distance relationship after 50 often suits people who value their independence, have time to travel and don't want to uproot. It's harder for people who need company day to day, or who can't easily afford or manage the travel.

Get the scam question out of the way first

"I live far away and can't meet just yet" is the oldest line in the romance scammer's book. The FTC says romance scammers often claim to be living or working far away, for example overseas, on an oil rig or in the military, and that they make excuses not to meet. Australia's Scamwatch lists "they can't meet in person" as a top warning sign. The UK's Report Fraud service warns people to be wary of excuses for avoiding in-person meetings or live video calls, and of requests for travel costs.

So with any long-distance match:

• Video call early. Someone real and interested will.
• Meet in person within a reasonable time. Weeks or a few months, not "one day when my contract ends".
• Never send money for flights, visas, customs fees or anything else before you've met. If they really want to visit, they'll find a way.
• Talk to someone you trust. The FTC suggests this, because a friend or relative can often see what you can't.

Our guides to romance scams aimed at people over 50 and spotting a fake dating profile cover the signs in full.

Your first visit

Treat the first meeting like any first date, with a little extra planning:

1. Meet somewhere public when you arrive, not at their home or yours.
2. Book your own accommodation and tell a friend where you're staying.
3. Have your own return ticket, so you can leave whenever you want.
4. Keep your own money and cards with you, and your phone charged.
5. Keep the first visit short: a weekend is plenty.

Our checklist for meeting a match in person has more.

Staying close between visits

The couples who manage distance best usually have a routine. Regular contact makes the miles feel smaller.

• Have a rhythm. A good-morning text, a call on Sunday evenings, a video call midweek.
• Do things together, apart. Watch the same film and talk about it, read the same book, cook the same recipe on a video call.
• Send something in the post. A card, a newspaper clipping, a photo. Letters still feel special.
• Share the everyday. The small details of your day are what make someone feel part of your life.
• Plan the next visit before this one ends. Having a date in the calendar helps.

Our guide to setting up a video call covers the technology.

Visits and costs

Talk early about who travels and who pays. Many couples alternate, so each person hosts and each person travels. If one of you has more money or more time, it may make sense for them to do more of the travel, as long as you both feel it's fair.

Staying in each other's homes is lovely once you're comfortable. Before then, a hotel or guest room takes the pressure off.

Practical tips for longer visits

Once you're visiting for days or weeks at a time, a little planning keeps things comfortable and safe.

• Carry your own medication and a list of what you take, plus copies of prescriptions if you're traveling far.
• Check your health coverage before traveling out of state or abroad, and consider travel insurance.
• Leave your itinerary with a friend or relative: where you're staying and when you're due home.
• Keep your own money and cards. Don't hand over bank details, PINs or passwords, however settled things feel.
• Keep some time for yourself. A walk alone or a call with a friend makes long visits easier for you both.

Talking about the future

If things go well, at some point you'll ask: is this how it stays, or does one of us move? There's no right answer. Some couples settle into "living apart together", a committed relationship in two homes, for years.

Before anyone sells a house or moves away from family, talk honestly about:

• Where you'd live, and what each of you would be giving up
• Being near children, grandchildren and old friends
• Health care, doctors and support networks in a new place
• Money, homes and wills; see money and a new partner after 50

When to call it off, and where to report

Distance can show you a lot. If visits keep being canceled, if one of you is doing all the effort, or if the relationship only works on a screen, it may be time for an honest conversation.

If the other person still hasn't met you after months, while finding reasons to need money, stop all contact, call your bank if you've sent anything, and report it. In the US, report to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov. In England, Wales and Northern Ireland, contact Report Fraud on 0300 123 2040; in Scotland, call Police Scotland on 101. Our page on where to report a romance scam covers Canada and Australia too.

If you'd rather date nearer home, our guide to where senior singles really meet covers local groups and events.