Money and a new partner after 50

At 25, most couples start with not much and build together. After 50, you each bring a lifetime: a home, savings, a pension, perhaps some debts, and children who may one day inherit. That doesn't make love more complicated, but it does make a few conversations more important.

This guide is general information, not legal or financial advice. Rules vary a great deal between states and countries, so for decisions that matter, talk to your own lawyer or financial adviser.

The early months: one firm rule

Don't lend or give money to someone you've recently met, and don't ask them for any. That includes small sums, "just until Friday", and investment opportunities. The FTC's advice is plain: never send money or gifts to a sweetheart you haven't met in person, and anyone who asks you to pay by wire transfer, gift card or cryptocurrency is a scammer. The FBI adds: never help anyone move money through your account.

Even after you've met and things are going well, keep your finances separate for a good while. Real partners don't need access to your bank account to love you. Our guide to romance scams aimed at people over 50 explains the warning signs.

Money milestones in a new relationship

Different stages call for different conversations. This table is a rough guide, not a rulebook.

Day-to-day costs while dating

Most couples over 50 split costs in a way that feels fair to them: taking turns, splitting down the middle, or the one with more to spare paying a little more. There's no right answer, only an agreed one. If your incomes are very different, say so kindly, and suggest things you can both enjoy. Our dating etiquette guide covers who pays in the early days.

How to talk about money without spoiling things

The first real money conversation is usually the hardest. It helps to start with your own situation rather than questions about theirs.

Example opener: "I've been thinking about how we'd handle things if we moved in together. Can I tell you how my finances are set up, and what matters to me?"

Things worth talking about before any big step:

• Income, savings and any debts, in broad terms
• What each of you wants to leave to your children or others
• Who would pay for what if you lived together
• How you'd handle a big expense, such as a new roof or care costs
• What happens if one of you becomes ill, or if you split up

Living together without marrying

Many people over 50 choose to move in together without marrying, or to keep their own homes and spend time in both. Each has its own money questions:

• Whose home? If one of you moves into the other's, agree in writing what the newcomer contributes and whether that gives them any share. Without an agreement, an unmarried partner may have few rights to stay in the home if the owner dies or the relationship ends.
• Shared bills. A simple written note of who pays what avoids resentment later.
• Wills. An unmarried partner is often not provided for at all unless a will says so. If you want your partner to be able to stay in the house, say so in writing, and take advice.
• Benefits. Some means-tested benefits look at a couple's combined income once you live together, not only once you marry. Check with the agency that pays you before you move in.

Marrying again: what to check first

Marriage changes more than your name on the mailbox. Before you marry, check these.

Your will

In England and Wales, marriage or civil partnership generally cancels (revokes) a will you made before it, unless the will was made with that marriage in mind. Northern Ireland has a similar rule. Scotland and US states have their own rules. Wherever you live, update your will before or soon after the wedding, with a lawyer's help.

Survivor and pension benefits

Some survivor, divorced-spouse and pension benefits change or stop on remarriage, and the rules can depend on your age when you marry.

• United States: the Social Security Administration says remarrying at 60 or older (50 or older if you have a disability) doesn't affect your eligibility for survivors benefits. Remarrying earlier generally does. If you get benefits on an ex-spouse's record, they generally end if you remarry. Ask Social Security, and any pension plan that pays you, before you set a date.
• Canada: the Government of Canada says a Canada Pension Plan survivor's pension continues if you remarry. Workplace and private pensions have their own rules.
• United Kingdom and Australia: check with the government department or pension scheme concerned, because some workplace pensions and benefits are affected and others aren't.

Beneficiaries and debts

• Beneficiary designations. Retirement accounts and life insurance usually go to whoever is named on the form, whatever your will says. Check them after any big change.
• Debts. Find out how your state or country treats debts each spouse brings into a marriage.

A prenuptial agreement

A prenuptial agreement (prenup) is a written agreement, made before the wedding, about how money and property would be divided if the marriage ended. Many people marrying later in life consider one, especially to protect a home or inheritance for children from an earlier marriage. Each of you should have your own lawyer, and it's best done well before the wedding.

Planning for illness and care

At this stage of life, it's sensible to think about what happens if one of you becomes ill. Who can make medical or financial decisions for you? Many people set up a power of attorney and a health care directive (called a lasting power of attorney in England and Wales), naming the person they trust. That might be your new partner, one of your children, or both. Talk about it openly, so nobody is surprised.

Children, inheritance and fairness

Adult children sometimes worry, quietly or loudly, that a new partner will change what they inherit. Being open about your plans, even in broad terms, often eases a lot of tension. Our guide to telling your adult children you're dating talks about these conversations.

If money pressure starts to feel wrong

Pressure over money isn't always a stranger online. Sometimes it's a partner who wants to "help" with your accounts, asks you to sign things quickly, or gets angry when you say no. Trust your instincts and talk to someone outside the relationship.

• US: the Eldercare Locator (call or text 1-800-677-1116) can connect you with local help, including adult protective services.
• UK: the Age UK Advice Line is free on 0800 678 1602.
• Anywhere: your bank can add extra checks to your account if you ask.

Keep your independence

Whatever you decide, keep some money that's yours, an account in your own name, and a clear view of your own finances. That isn't a lack of trust. It's good sense at any age, and it protects you both.

For more on starting again, see dating after 50 when you haven't dated in years and our safety page.