Dating again after losing your husband or wife

If you're reading this, you may be surprised to be thinking about it at all. That's common. Grief and the wish for company can sit side by side, and feeling one doesn't mean you've finished with the other.

Is there a right time to start?

No. There's no rule about how long a widow or widower should wait, and the people who care about you may each have a different opinion. What matters is how you feel, not the calendar.

Some signs you may be ready:

• You can talk about your husband or wife without it taking over the whole conversation.
• You're curious about meeting someone new for who they are, not for who they remind you of.
• You'd like company, but you aren't desperate to stop being alone.
• The thought of a first date makes you a little nervous rather than guilty or numb.

Some signs to wait a while longer: you're hoping a new person will take the grief away, you find yourself comparing everyone to your spouse, or you're thinking about it mainly because someone else has suggested you should.

If you're unsure, there's no harm in starting small: a class, a walking group, a volunteer shift. Our guide to where senior singles really meet, close to home has ideas that don't involve a date at all.

Guilt, loyalty and mixed feelings

Feeling guilty is one of the most common reactions, and it isn't a sign you're doing something wrong. Loving someone new doesn't erase a marriage. Many people find it helps to think about what their spouse would have wanted for them.

You may also feel excited one day and flat the next. A good date might bring a wave of sadness on the drive home. All of this is normal. Go at the pace your feelings set, and let the people you meet know that you're taking it slowly.

If grief feels too heavy to carry alone, support is free. In the US, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline is open 24 hours a day by call or text on 988, and not only for crisis: its counselors also talk with people in emotional distress. In Canada, call or text 9-8-8. In the UK, Cruse Bereavement Support runs a free helpline on 0808 808 1677. In Australia, Griefline is on 1300 845 745. Local hospices, senior centers and places of worship often run bereavement groups too; the Eldercare Locator on 1-800-677-1116 can point you to services near you in the US.

What to say about your late spouse

Being open from the start makes everything easier. Most people dating over 50 have a history, and a lot of them have lost someone too.

On your profile, one plain line is enough. For example: "I was married for 31 years and lost my wife two years ago. I'm ready to enjoy some company again." It tells people what they need to know without making your loss the headline. Our guide to writing a dating profile over 50 has more examples.

On a first date, a short answer is kinder to both of you than the whole story. For example: "My husband died three years ago. We had a good marriage, and I miss him. I'm enjoying getting out again." If they ask more, share what you're comfortable with.

As things go on, it's natural to talk about your spouse. It's also fair to notice if a new partner seems threatened by every mention, or if you find you talk about little else. Both are worth a gentle conversation.

Photos, rings and the home you shared

There's no rule for these either. Many people move their wedding ring to the other hand or a chain when they start dating; others keep wearing it for a while. Photos of your late spouse can stay where they are. If a new relationship becomes serious and you'll be spending time at home together, you can decide together what feels right, rather than all at once.

Telling your family

Adult children can react in ways that surprise you. Some are delighted. Some feel it's too soon, or worry you'll be hurt or taken advantage of. Some feel protective of their parent's memory, or of their inheritance, even if they don't say so.

Tell them yourself, before they find out another way, and keep it simple: you're meeting people, you're taking it slowly, and nobody is replacing their mother or father. Our guide to telling your adult children you're dating again has more on how to handle the conversation, and on giving them time.

Money: the part to keep separate

People who have recently lost a partner may be managing money alone for the first time, and may have life insurance, savings or a house that is now theirs alone. Scammers know this. Australia's Scamwatch says scammers often present themselves as divorced or widowed with children to build a bond, and warns that they can spend years building your trust.

The rule is the same for everyone, and it matters more than ever here: never send money to someone you've met online and haven't met in person. Not for an emergency, a fee, a ticket or an investment. Never send money: the scripts scammers use shows what the request tends to sound like.

If a relationship becomes serious, there are real questions to think about before moving in or marrying again. In the US, the Social Security Administration says remarrying at 60 or older (50 or older if you have a disability) does not affect your eligibility for survivors benefits based on your late spouse's record; remarrying younger generally stops them while the marriage lasts. Wills, pensions and the family home all need checking too. Our guide to money, homes and a new partner after 50 covers these in plain English.

Starting gently online

If it's been decades since you dated, a dating site lets you look around quietly before you decide anything. On Just Senior Singles, joining, making a profile and browsing are free, every photo is reviewed before it goes live, and members can ID-check their profile and show a badge. Some practical habits help:

1. Browse for a while first. There's no rush to write to anyone.
2. Look for the ID-checked badge and suggest a video call before you meet.
3. Keep early chats on the site, so there's a record and you can report and block easily.
4. Meet somewhere public and short, like coffee, and tell a friend where you'll be. Your first date after 50 covers the rest.

When it doesn't go to plan

Some dates will be awkward, and some people won't understand your loss. Others will be lovely and still not right. That isn't a sign you started too soon; it's simply what dating is like at any age. Take a break when you need one, and come back when you feel like it.