Dating after 50 when you haven't dated in years

If your last first date involved a landline and a borrowed car, you're far from alone. Lots of people come back to dating in their fifties, sixties and seventies, after a long marriage, a divorce, years of caring for someone, or simply a long stretch of being too busy. It feels strange for a while, and then it doesn't.

How do most people over 50 meet someone now?

Most still meet the old-fashioned way, through people and places they already know, while a growing minority use dating sites. In a Pew Research Center survey of US adults in July 2022, 17% of people aged 50 and older said they had ever used a dating site or app: 23% of those in their fifties, 14% in their sixties and 12% in their seventies and older. Among partnered adults over 50, 6% said they met their partner through online dating.

So a dating site is one useful route, not the only one. The people who do best tend to combine two or three: telling friends, joining something local, and trying a site.

What has changed since you last dated

A video call is simply a phone call where you can see each other on the screen. It's become the new "first look", and it's one of the best ways to check that someone is who they say they are. Our guide to setting up a video call takes it one tap at a time.

What hasn't changed

Nerves, mostly. Butterflies don't care how old you are. Neither do the basics that make people like you: turning up on time, asking questions and listening to the answers, being kind to the server, and following up when you say you will.

You also bring more to the table than you did at 25. You know who you are, what you can't stand and what really matters to you. That's a head start.

Are you ready? A few honest questions

There's no right time. Some people start a year after losing a spouse; some wait ten. Instead of a timetable, ask yourself:

• Am I curious about meeting someone, or mainly trying to stop feeling lonely?
• Could I enjoy a coffee with someone even if it went nowhere?
• Am I looking for a new person, or a replacement for the one I lost?
• Do I have room in my week, and in my heart, for someone with their own history?

You don't need to have stopped missing someone. You just need room in your life for someone new to be themselves.

The worries almost everyone has

"Nobody will find me attractive." The people you'll meet are your age too. They have gray hair, reading glasses and a few scars of their own, and they're looking for someone real, not a magazine cover.

"I'm hopeless with technology." If you can send an email or a photo to your family, you can use a dating site. There's no app to install; our guide to using a dating site on your phone starts from the very first tap.

"I'm too set in my ways." You're experienced, and you know what you need. That's a strength. The trick is staying curious about how other people live, too.

"What will people think?" Most friends will be pleased for you. Grown children can take longer, and that's normal; our guide to telling your adult children you're dating has ideas for that conversation.

If you've been widowed, or divorced

Coming back after the death of a spouse is different from coming back after a divorce. Widowed people often carry love and grief at the same time, and may feel guilty about enjoying someone new. Divorced people may carry hurt, or worry about repeating old patterns. Both are normal. Being honest with yourself about where you are, and saying a little about it when the time is right, helps a new partner understand you.

Decide what you're looking for

Later-life relationships come in more shapes than they used to. Some people want to marry again. Many want a companion for dinners, trips and Sunday walks, and are happy to keep their own homes. Some want friendship first and will see where it goes.

Be honest with yourself about which you want, and say so on your profile and early in conversations. It saves heartache on both sides.

A gentle first month

You don't have to do everything at once. Here's one easy pace, offered as an example rather than a rule:

1. Week one: tell two friends and look around. Say you're open to meeting someone. Browse a dating site for free without writing to anyone yet.
2. Week two: build your profile. Add three or four recent photos and a few short paragraphs about what you enjoy. Our guide to writing a profile over 50 has examples.
3. Week three: write to a few people. Mention something specific from their profile and ask a question. Join one local group or class too; our guide to where senior singles really meet lists the usual kinds.
4. Week four: one call, then one coffee. Have a phone or video call with the person you get on with best, and if it goes well, suggest an hour somewhere public in daylight.

On Just Senior Singles, joining, making a profile, browsing and saying hello are free, so you can look around before deciding anything. Reading and replying to messages needs a paid membership (see prices), which renews automatically until you cancel in Settings > Billing. Profiles are shared with partner sites in the same network.

Your first messages

When you write to someone, mention something specific from their profile and ask a question.

Example: "I see you've walked part of the Appalachian Trail. Which stretch did you like best?"

That gets far more replies than "Hi, how are you?" It's only an example; write your own. If someone doesn't reply, let it go and write to someone else. Silence usually says more about their week than about you.

The first few dates

Keep the first one short, public and in daylight: coffee, lunch or a walk in a busy park. An hour is enough. If it goes well, you can always stay for another cup. Our guide to your first date after 50 covers what to wear, what to talk about and how to end it gracefully, whichever way it went.

Stay safe, especially with money

The biggest risk for people dating again later in life is a romance scam, where someone builds an online relationship in order to ask for money. Their pattern is well worn: they fall for you fast, avoid video calls and meetings, and eventually need money for an emergency, a fee or an investment.

The FTC's advice is blunt: if an online love interest you've never met in person asks for money, it's a scam, whatever the story, and only scammers tell you to buy gift cards, wire money or buy cryptocurrency. Talk to someone you trust about any new love interest, and take their worries seriously.

If you're in the US and think you've been targeted, report it to the FTC at ReportFraud.ftc.gov. The free National Elder Fraud Hotline, 833-372-8311 (833-FRAUD-11), helps older adults with next steps, Monday to Friday, 10am to 6pm Eastern. Read romance scams aimed at people over 50 before you start; it's ten minutes well spent.