Living apart together: committed, with two front doors

For a long time, the assumed path for a serious couple was simple: date, move in, maybe marry. Later in life, plenty of people are writing a different script. They're committed, faithful and in it for the long haul, and they each go home to their own front door.

It's called living apart together, or LAT, and for many people dating after 50 it's not a halfway house. It's the goal.

What living apart together means

A LAT couple is in a committed relationship but keeps two separate homes. They might live five minutes apart or two hours apart. They might spend most nights together or a few each week. What sets them apart from long-distance couples is choice: they could move in together, and decide not to.

It's different from casual dating. LAT couples usually think of themselves as partners, introduce each other to family, spend holidays together and plan a future. They just don't share a mortgage, a fridge or a remote control.

Why it suits so many people over 50

The reasons are usually practical, and often very personal:

• Your home is yours. You may have spent decades making it, paying for it or raising a family in it.
• Inheritance. Many people want their home to pass to their children, and keeping property separate makes that simpler.
• Independence. After years of marriage, or years alone, many people value their own routines: when to eat, sleep, travel and see friends.
• Caring roles. Looking after a parent, a grandchild or an adult child can make moving impractical.
• Different lives. Early riser and night owl, neat and less neat, a cat and a dog who'll never be friends.
• Lessons from before. Some people who have been divorced simply don't want to merge everything again, however much they love someone.

None of these mean less commitment. For many couples, the space is exactly what keeps things fresh.

Making it work: the conversations to have

LAT works when you agree on it, not when one person assumes it and the other quietly hopes it'll change. Our guide to dating etiquette after 50 covers the earlier conversations; these come once you're a couple.

Revisit the answers once a year or so. Needs change, particularly around health, and it's easier to talk about it before something forces the issue.

The paperwork worth doing

This is the part couples tend to skip, and it matters even more when you're not married. Don't assume your partner will be asked, included or provided for: if you want them to be, put it in writing.

Health care decisions. If you're ill or injured and can't speak for yourself, your partner won't automatically be the one asked. MedlinePlus, from the US National Library of Medicine, explains that a durable power of attorney for health care names someone you trust to make health decisions for you if you are unable to, and that a living will sets out which treatments you would want at the end of life. If you'd like your partner to have that role, or to be one of the people consulted, put it in writing. Tell your family, too, so nobody is surprised.

Your will. If you want your partner to inherit anything, from a sum of money to a piece of jewelry, your will needs to say so. Equally, if you want everything to go to your children, an up-to-date will makes that clear. An estate planning attorney can explain the rules in your state.

Survivors benefits. If you're widowed and receive Social Security survivors benefits, the Social Security Administration's rules say remarrying after age 60 (or after 50 if you're disabled) doesn't prevent you from getting them, while remarrying before 60 generally does. Living apart and staying unmarried doesn't change them. Pensions and other benefits have their own rules, so check each one before you make any decision about marriage.

Outside the US the rules differ. Our guide to money, homes and a new partner after 50 covers the UK, Canada and Australia, as well as the conversations to have about money in any relationship.

Everyday tips for two homes

A few habits make life across two front doors easier:

• Keep a few things at each other's place: a toothbrush, medication, a phone charger, a change of clothes.
• Swap spare keys once you trust each other, and tell a neighbor who your partner is.
• Share emergency contacts, so each of you knows whom to call, and how to reach each other's family.
• Agree on a check-in habit, such as a call each evening you're apart. It's comforting, and it means someone notices quickly if something is wrong.

When one of you wants more

The most common strain in a LAT relationship is a mismatch: one partner starts to want to share a home, and the other doesn't. It helps to treat that as a conversation about needs rather than a test of love.

• Say what's behind it. "I want to wake up with you more often" is different from "I'm worried about being alone if my health changes."
• Look for middle ground. More nights together, a key to each other's homes, a shared vacation home, a trial month.
• Be honest if the answer is still no. Kindly, and early, so neither of you builds a future on a misunderstanding.

Is LAT right for you?

It may suit you if you love your home and routines, have family or caring commitments close by, or have built a full life you want to keep. It may be harder if you hope for daily companionship, or if one of you has health needs that make two homes a struggle.

Many couples start as LAT and decide later. There's no wrong answer, only the one you've both chosen.

Starting out

If you're dating again and like the idea, you can say so early. On your profile, a line such as "Love my home and my independence, and looking for someone to share the best parts of life with" tells a match a lot. Our guide to writing a dating profile over 50 has more examples, and long-distance relationships after 50 helps if your future partner lives further away than across town.