Intimacy and a new relationship after 50

Plenty of people assume romance after 50 is all companionship and no passion. Many people in their fifties, sixties, seventies and beyond would disagree. The National Institute on Aging says many older people want and enjoy an active, satisfying sex life, and physical closeness of any kind, from holding hands to a long hug, can be one of the great pleasures of a new relationship.

It can also bring nerves, especially if you haven't been with anyone new in decades. This guide is frank but not graphic, and it covers the practical side.

How fast should things move?

There is no right time. Some couples are close within weeks; some wait months; some are happy with affection and nothing more. All of that is normal.

What matters is that you both want the same thing at the same time, and that either of you can say "not yet" or "no" at any point and have it respected. That's what consent means: a clear, freely given yes, which can change at any time. Anyone who rushes you, sulks or makes you feel you owe them something isn't someone to be close to.

Talk first, even if it feels awkward

Talking about intimacy before it happens can feel awkward. It's still the best thing you can do, and most people are relieved when someone else raises it first. Good things to cover:

• What you each want from the relationship
• Anything that worries you, from body confidence to health
• Any physical limits, such as a bad back, a new hip or a heart condition
• Safer sex and testing (see below)

Example opener: "I'd really like us to be closer, and I'm a bit nervous. Can we talk about it?"

That's just an example. Choose a calm moment, not the bedroom door, and keep it light.

Bodies change, and much of it can be helped

Aging brings changes for everyone, and most of them are common and treatable. The National Institute on Aging lists menopause, erection problems, arthritis, chronic pain, diabetes, heart disease and some medicines among the things that can affect a sex life.

A doctor or nurse has heard it all before, and a short appointment can make a real difference. Ask before taking any medicine for sexual problems, because some interact with other medicines. The FDA advises buying prescription medicines only from licensed pharmacies that require a valid prescription; sites that skip that step may sell fake or unsafe products.

Beyond medicine, a lot comes down to patience, humor and being willing to try things a different way. Intimacy is much more than one act.

Safer sex at any age

After menopause, pregnancy is no longer a worry. Sexually transmitted infections (STIs), the infections passed on through sexual contact, still are. They don't stop at any particular age, and some cause no symptoms for a long time, so you can't tell by looking or asking.

A few simple habits protect you both:

1. Use condoms with a new partner, every time.
2. Get tested, both of you, before you stop using them.
3. Agree together before you stop, once you've both been tested and agreed not to see anyone else.

If you've been in a long marriage, testing can feel odd. Think of it as a sensible health check, like any other.

Where to get tested

• United States: your doctor, a sexual health clinic or your local health department. The CDC's free GetTested search finds testing near you by ZIP code.
• United Kingdom: NHS sexual health clinics are free and confidential, and you don't need a GP referral.
• Canada and Australia: your family doctor or GP, or a local sexual health clinic.

Feelings that can catch you off guard

If you've lost a husband or wife, being close to someone new can stir up grief, guilt or a sense of disloyalty, sometimes at the very moment you're happiest. That's very common. It doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. Talk to your partner about it, or to a friend, counselor or faith leader you trust.

After a divorce, old hurts or a lack of confidence can surface too. A kind, patient partner makes a great deal of difference. So does telling them what you need: more time, more reassurance, or simply a laugh when things don't go to plan.

Privacy and practicalities

• Where? If either of you has adult children or a lodger at home, or lives in a close-knit community, privacy may need a little planning.
• Overnight stays. It's fine to take things slowly here too. Staying over doesn't have to mean anything more than company.
• Your health information. Share what's relevant, when you're ready.
• Family. Your private life is yours. If you're wondering how and when to tell grown children about a new relationship, see telling your adult children you're dating.

Never share intimate images with someone you haven't met

Never send intimate photos or video to someone you haven't met in person, and be wary even of people you have. Some scammers build a relationship, ask for intimate images or a video call, then threaten to share them unless you pay. This is called sextortion.

If it happens:

1. Stop replying, and don't pay. Paying rarely ends it.
2. Keep the evidence: screenshots of messages, profile names and any payment requests.
3. Report it. In the US, report to the FBI's Internet Crime Complaint Center at ic3.gov. In the UK, the Revenge Porn Helpline (0345 6000 459) supports adults dealing with intimate image abuse, including sextortion; you can also report to the police.
4. Report the profile to the dating site.

Our guide to romance scams aimed at people over 50 explains how these scams work, and where to report a romance scam lists who to contact in each country.

Read more

• Dating etiquette after 50, including physical affection on early dates
• Your first date after 50
• Dating after 50 as a woman and as a man