Your first date after 50: what to expect

First-date nerves are the same at 60 as they were at 16. The difference now is that you know what you like, you're not trying to impress your friends, and an hour of pleasant conversation counts as a perfectly good outcome.

Before the date: five things to do

A little preparation makes the date itself easier. Talk first, choose the place together, keep it short, and make sure someone knows where you are.

1. Talk first. A phone or video call before you meet tells you a lot: whether the conversation flows, and whether this person is who their profile says. Our guide to setting up a video call walks through it.
2. Pick the place together. Somewhere public, busy and easy for you both to reach. Daytime is best.
3. Keep it short. Plan for about an hour. If it goes well, you can stay. If it doesn't, nobody's stuck through three courses.
4. Confirm the day before. A short message: "Still on for 11 at the Rose Café tomorrow? Looking forward to it." (An example; use your own words.)
5. Tell a friend. Who you're meeting, where and when, and agree a time you'll text them afterward.

Make your own way there and back. Drive yourself, take a taxi or use the bus, and don't accept a lift from someone you haven't met. Our checklist for meeting a match in person covers the safety side in more detail.

Where to go on a first date after 50

The best first-date places are public, fairly quiet and easy to leave. Here's how the usual choices compare:

Dinner and drinks can wait. They run longer, cost more and are harder to leave gracefully.

What to wear

Wear something you'd wear to a nice lunch with friends, that you feel comfortable and like yourself in. Comfortable shoes if you might walk. This isn't the day to try out a new outfit or new glasses; you want to forget about your clothes once you're there.

If you have a health condition or mobility needs

Plenty of people dating after 50 have a bad knee, a hearing aid, a special diet or a condition that affects their energy. It doesn't need to be a secret, and planning around it makes the date easier for you both.

• Choose the venue with it in mind: step-free access, seating, a quiet corner if hearing is an issue, a menu you can eat from.
• Mention it lightly beforehand if it affects the plan: "Could we pick somewhere with seats? My knee doesn't love long walks."
• Bring what you need, such as medication or reading glasses, so you're not distracted.

Most people appreciate the honesty, and it tells you a lot about how they respond.

When you arrive

Get there on time, or a few minutes early so you can settle. Text them where you're sitting. If you don't recognize them straight away, that's common.

Put your phone away, on silent, unless you're expecting an important call. If you are, say so at the start. Go easy on alcohol: one glass can help nerves, but it's easier to judge someone new with a clear head.

What to talk about

You don't need a script, but a few questions in your pocket help:

• What made you decide to try dating again?
• What does a good weekend look like for you?
• Where's somewhere you've always wanted to go?
• What are you enjoying at the moment: a book, a show, a hobby?
• How do you know the area?

Listen to the answers and ask a follow-up. Good conversation is mostly curiosity.

Topics to keep light for now: your ex or late spouse (a mention is fine, a full history is not), health problems in detail, money, politics if you feel strongly, and anything that sounds like an interview about their future plans with you.

If you're nervous

Say so. "I'm a bit nervous, I haven't done this in thirty years" is disarming, and the other person may well be feeling the same. It often breaks the ice better than anything clever.

Who pays?

Whoever suggested the date often offers to pay, and splitting the bill is common and perfectly polite. Offer once, and go with what the other person prefers. Our dating etiquette guide covers this and other awkward moments.

Warning signs on a first date

Most first dates are simply pleasant or simply flat. A few things are worth noticing:

• They look very different from their photos, or their story doesn't match what they told you.
• They push for a second location, a lift home or your address.
• They're rude to staff, or keep checking whether you're "really" interested.
• They mention money troubles, a business opportunity or an investment. The FTC warns that romance scammers often get around to money once they've won someone's trust.

If anything makes you uneasy, you can leave. You don't need to explain. Read romance scams aimed at people over 50 so you know the pattern.

Ending the date

When the hour's up, or you feel it's run its course, wrap up kindly: "I've really enjoyed this. I should get going, but thank you." You don't need to decide about a second date on the spot. If you'd like one, you can say so: "I'd like to do this again."

Afterward: what to say

Within a day or two, send a short message. If you'd like to meet again, say so and suggest something. If you wouldn't, a kind, clear note is far better than silence. These are examples; use your own words.

Example (yes): "I really enjoyed lunch on Saturday. Would you like to try the gardens on Thursday afternoon?"

Example (no): "Thank you for lunch on Saturday. I enjoyed meeting you, but I didn't feel the spark I'm looking for. I wish you the very best."

If you get a message like the second one, a simple "Thank you for letting me know, and all the best to you too" is all that's needed.

Second dates

If it went well, the second date can be a little longer or a little more personal: a walk and lunch, a museum, a concert in the park. Still somewhere public, still your own transport, until you know each other better. When things get more serious, our guides to intimacy after 50 and dating after 50 when you haven't dated in years cover what comes next.