How to set up a video call with a match

If you've video-called the grandchildren, you already know how to do this. If you haven't, it's easier than it looks, and this guide takes it one step at a time.

Why video call before you meet?

A video call is a halfway house between messaging and a first date. You see each other's faces, hear each other's voices and find out whether the conversation flows, all from your own armchair.

It's also one of the best checks against scammers. People running romance scams often use stolen photos, so they avoid showing their face live. Police Scotland and the UK's Report Fraud service both list refusing video calls, or a camera that never seems to work, among the warning signs of romance fraud.

A short call isn't proof on its own. The FBI has warned that criminals use AI tools to create fake video for real-time calls, and a scammer may still try. But a relaxed conversation where someone looks like their photos and answers questions naturally is very reassuring, and meeting in person is the next check.

Step 1: Agree when and how

Suggest it in a message, agree a day and time, and decide which app you'll use. This is an example; use your own words:

Example: "Would you like to have a quick video chat before we meet? Thursday evening around 7 suits me. Which app do you use?"

Step 2: Choose an app

Use whichever you both have and feel comfortable with. There are three main kinds:

If you're not sure, ask a family member to help you install and test one. Many libraries run free help sessions too, and in Australia, the government's free Be Connected program teaches older people to use phones, tablets and the internet.

Step 3: Test it first

Ten minutes before, open the app and check:

• Camera: can you see yourself clearly?
• Microphone and sound: turn the volume up. Earbuds or headphones make it much easier to hear.
• Connection: sit where your Wi-Fi is strongest. Plug in a phone or tablet so the battery doesn't die halfway.

A short test call with a friend or relative a day earlier takes the nerves out of it.

Step 4: Set up the shot

• Face the light. Sit facing a window or lamp, not with it behind you, or you'll be a silhouette.
• Raise the camera to eye level. Prop your phone or tablet on a stack of books. Looking down at a phone in your lap isn't flattering for anyone.
• Hold still. A propped-up device is steadier than one in your hand.
• Check the background. A tidy wall or bookshelf is perfect. Make sure there's nothing showing your address, mail, bank papers or family photos you'd rather keep private.

Step 5: The call itself

Smile and say hello as you would on the doorstep. Look at the camera now and then rather than only at the screen; it feels like eye contact to the other person.

Keep the first call fairly short, 15 to 30 minutes, and end while it's still going well. Talk about the same easy things you would on a first date: what you enjoy, where you've been, what brought you to dating again.

What to talk about on a first video call

Treat it like a short coffee date. A few easy questions keep things moving:

• What made you decide to try dating again?
• What does a good week look like for you?
• Where's the last place you traveled, and where's next?
• What's the view from your window like today?

That last one sounds odd, but it's a gentle way to talk about where each of you lives without asking for an address.

When you're ready to finish, say so warmly. For example: "I've really enjoyed this. I'd better let you get on with your evening, but I'd love to talk again." It's much easier to end on a high than to let a call drift.

Phone, tablet or computer?

Any of them works. Choose the one you're most comfortable with.

If something goes wrong

Technical hiccups are normal and nobody minds. Here's what usually fixes them:

Warning signs on a video call

• The camera "doesn't work" time after time, or the picture is always too dark or blurry to see their face.
• They won't show their face but are happy to see yours.
• They look different from their profile photos, or seem to be someone else entirely.
• The picture looks odd: lips out of step with the voice, a face that blurs or warps when they move.
• They push you to do something on camera you're not comfortable with. End the call. Never share intimate images or video with someone you haven't met in person.
• Money comes up. However nice they seem, that's a red flag. See our guide to romance scams aimed at people over 50.

After the call

If it went well, suggest meeting in person. Our guide to your first date after 50 and the checklist for meeting a match in person cover the next steps. If it didn't, a kind message is all you need; dating etiquette after 50 has some wording.

New to doing all this on a phone? Our guide to using a dating site on your phone covers the basics, and how to spot a fake dating profile explains the other checks worth doing.